It takes a weird and perhaps sickly mind to really want to know the truth. When I am feeling my most philosophical, I also know that I am heading into dark territory. Or, perhaps I was already there.
Nevertheless, I feel haunted by certain aspects of modern life. I often times wonder about electricity and our reliance of it. Now I know that the way we are communicating right now as you read this on the Internet will not disappear anytime soon. Yet I also know that it won't/can't last forever. Natural resources will not last ad infinitum. So where does that leave us now? Do we start planning for the inevitable or do we live in the moment, without regrets and to the fullest? There doesn't seem to be an in-between. Do we even have a choice, given the demands modern society puts on us as we scrap together a living and hopefully a life?
Another haunting lately has been a metaphor: shadows. Lately I have been getting that sense of people, particulary men, have little to offer of themselves but project some image quite effectively. Almost as if they ARE characters from sitcoms instead of acting like they are characters from sitcoms. Sometimes you can see this in people: you look into their eyes and there's nothing behind the animal in the physical eye. Drained of all personalized thought and reflection, they go through life like a series of causal and effect relationships. Action/reaction. Upon thinking this half of the blog entry I think to myself "How fucking high school. What have you been watching HEATHERS again?" But no. There seems to be something more to the way we wade through life, task to task, moment to moment, crisis to crisis that has bred this sort of person. A lifelessness.
Now having said all of this, I also have to say that I am enjoying life. I miss certain people and others, well, I am glad they are gone. But I guess below it all, I think of these things because I love lots of people and perhaps even people in general in some weepy, sappy way, and I thinking about them, about us in such a grand way makes me feel like we are indeed in this together and all of the allusions we hold are just shadows and we are free somewhere below the surface waiting to rise above.
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I always want to know the truth. Why do some people want to know lies?
I know what you mean about some people having nothing behind the eyes. If you were look in my eyes, you'd probably see not much other than sadness and disappointment, mainly caused by the sorrow that I feel for everyone else. I try to convince myself that there is something deep down in them that really is 'them' but with a lot of people that is hard. Some of the people I work with, it's really hard to believe that they even exist - not seeming to understand anything. It's often hard to even speak to them (even just about job related stuff, and they've all worked there longer than me) because I have to backtrack and explain myself so many times. We just don't speak a common language, it seems.
I do enjoy life though, such as it is... Sometimes I wonder if they enjoy their lives more? Expectations as to what the goal of their life is seem to be lower for them. They have the things they are supposed to have - job, wife, kids, car payments, etc. They view me as the crazy one, I think.
I wonder if they ever wonder - why is there a sparkle in that guy's eyes? Why is he so adamant about talking about that bike ride he took on the way to work?
Sorry about the long comment, but this is something that I think about a lot. Maybe I have a 'weird and perhaps sickly mind' too...
la la: what'cha mean?
jeremy: it is weird how we can slip between despair over these other people and general enjoyment of life. I wonder if it is because at times we feel like the automatons and sometimes we feel gracefully, effortlessly free from their doldrums?
It's weird, but somethimes I feel like I'm doing above it. Most of the despair comes from not being able to do anything about it. I'm not sure about feeling like an automaton - sometimes that's where I feel the most centered. I do a lot of really repetive stuff at work, and after the first 50 or so reps, you just go into a zone and you don't have to think about it anymore. The body just does what it's going to do, and your mind can wander wherever it wants...
Yea, I can see how the busy body allows the mind to wander. I think that's a different thing. What bothers me are people who do and don't wander. These people act and don't think about the actions or are too caught up in the actions to reflect when they need to. That's what bothers me.
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