How do you know if you really love somebody? ...and what is "enough?" After all we've all felt a great range of loves, have we not? Does it have to feel like a wound? a scar? Do we have to feel like our lives will not go on the same without that other person or that we will be missing a part of ourselves with the loss of him or her? At what point does that desire for that person become too much? Where does that person begin and our ideas of them begin? How will we ever maintain that love until we no longer need it? Why does it have to be so difficult? Does it have to be so difficult? If I ever stop asking, will it still appear this good? Why does the road appear to be straight and clear but always takes sharp turns through unexpected weather? If I never thought to ask myself so many questions, would I ever love this much?
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Your questions are too good to pass up. I study this stuff. It's my major. I've earned credits and stuff. This is what I've learned:
One definition of love (I subscribe to this one) is that love is not a feeling, but a conscious decision to look out for another person's best interests regardless of the cost to you. Feelings are great- I think of some of my friends and I love them so much it hurts. It's actually hard to breathe. But feelings like that can fade. I thought I loved someone, but I figured out that he didn't give a damn about my best interests (felt a bit like getting kicked repeatedly) and I wasn't all that great about looking out for his. Feelings faded, and now there are none left for him.
I'd hope that I never feel like I can't live without someone- people come and go. However, the contradiction there is that I only want to get married ONCE (and not get divorced). Mutual commitment would imply that you don't want to live without them.. But for dating, how much you invest is in direct proportion to how much you'll feel like you've lost when it's over.
And the fog that lies in between what really is and what you think you see.. I fight with that one a lot. I've heard that when you're dating someone, you should search for every single reason why you wouldn't marry them. (Once you're married, however, you have to forget all that and remind yourself all the time about why you got married!) In my past, I've never been critical; only enthralled with the idea that someone dug me so much that they'd want to spend time with me. Pathetic, I know.
And it's difficult because if it were easy, then life would be perfect. And you know, we can't have that. Seriously, though, people are complicated and it's hard to figure out whether or not they fit into our own lives. It takes time and patience. The latter is something of which I have little-- I want forever to start now. But there's no choice with that.
Good luck.
Nic, you've made a few thought-provoking statements here. Most memorably, the one about love being an intention as opposed to a feeling. So many people get drunk of their love feelings, myself included and yet where would our love intentions be without them?
I still find your thought valuable, nonetheless. Still brewing on it.
I also liked your joke about life being perfect. I had a stay thought: maybe its when it seems too perfect we want to fuck things up a bit or as my colleague says, "go a head, mix it a little."
How much DO you love? Why do you want to know?
I wonder if our capacity to sustain love is not a function of our self-love (or lack thereof) and our ability to let the beloved go at any time -in other words to have no pretence or desire to possess the beloved. When I want to possess another or fear the other will betray my love, most often I think it reflects my own insecurity.
What is the difference between desire, care, and love? Does it matter?
I can't debate that feelings start the whole process. Eventually those feelings fade or just slip into to the background (as been my experience).
I'll be honest. I'm shooting to get married someday. I don't think I was put on this earth do live like this forever, because frankly, it's exhausing (but great, too). I'll take it as it comes (like I have a choice) and hang with it now, and I'm not complaining about it (well, I guess I just was, but most of the time, you won't hear it). I don't think I could handle much more on my plate, anyway. I just wanted you to know the perspective from which I'm speaking.
So feelings get you interested, get you high, and get you in deep if you let them. I don't define that as love. I define that as "getting involved" or "testing the waters" or even "desire" (thanks, minotaur) And it's the hard part, too, because traditionally, this is the part where one might completely ignore all the red flags waving in his or her face and replace them with wonderful delusions of the other's perfection. It's all about pleasing each other, isn't it? But eventually the shine starts wearing off, and it's time to decide if the relationship should continue or be dropped. This is the part where you decide whether you want to commit yourself to loving this person or not.
Care is an undertone in all of this. I think of it as holding someone close enough to see to his or her needs.
At least, this has been the pattern of all of my previous relationships.
The hang up with this kind of love is that it HAS to go both ways for it to work. It's not a 50 50 split, either. Someone else just might require more than you do, and you have to either 1. speak up for your needs or 2. be okay with it. Honestly, this kind of love takes a lot of time and exploration. It's where you have to be sure you fit together. And if you do fit, and you've committed yourself and so have they, it should be a hell of a lot of work, but it will be great. And more feelings will come out of it.
The "over the moon" thing, in my mind, can't be love because it doesn't last forever.
I like minotaur's comments, too. I admit, I have a problem with possession. When my friend matt started dating someone, I immediately got jealous because I thought he'd forget about me (which is highly unlikely- we're stinkin best friends). Now another friend has decided to chase someone and I'm again upset because I disagree with the persuit. ("No! You're suppposed to want ME!" I whine to myself.) So yes, I'm possessive, but I don't think it's always out of insecurity-- it has a lot to do with the fact that I value myself as a person and I want them to value me, too. Not that they don't, but I just don't want to share them with anyone else. Maybe it's an entirely different problem. I'll have to think about it more.
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